The sun is setting on Maui. Out across the ocean, the sun begins to dip out of the sky towards the horizon. The cream tile balcony where I sit looks out over the ocean perfectly. The moment could hardly get any better.
I spent the day with my husband, sitting on the beach in the shade of the palm trees and stealing every ray of sunshine I dared with my ultra pale white skin. We snorkeled among the fish and coral and even saw a sea turtle for the third day in a row. Four and a half years into our marriage and ten days shy of the 5 year mark since my husband proposed, we are on our official honeymoon. Of course we took some time off when we got married but we were so broke when we said our vows and I was so sick, there was no way we could have gone on an actual honeymoon. I always thought we would go year five, but four and half it is!
The day we got married was gorgeous, it began early in Montana with my hubby and I exchanging our vows amongst immediate family. I remember hardly eating anything that day, as I was so afraid my tummy would have adverse reactions. A girl can’t have tummy troubles in a white wedding gown. It took ten minutes just to get the dress off. I’m glad we waited until now to be here. My digestive system is not perfect, and if I did the SIBO breath test I am not sure if I would test positive or negative. But, I am having almost zero SIBO symptoms. I can eat rice, non-GMO corn, and even non-GMO wheat and have no digestive symptoms. Isn’t that incredible? I even lived off of apple pie before we came. I still have an autoimmune disease and issues which means I still have symptoms I do not enjoy, like the giant hive on my right upper arm and left hip. Flying was a bit stressful on my body. We expected it would be and planned a day of rest on our first day. But by the afternoon my symptoms from flying were gone.
The trip has been amazing. I have not worried about having a bathroom near by, or kept tabs on the closest. We’ve eaten out every night, and I’ve eaten some things that would have produced terrifying results a year ago.
I was hoping a vacation full of fruit and fish, rest, wonderful time with my husband, and as much sunshine as I wanted would produce greater results with my autoimmune issues than it has. Last night and this morning I was disappointed with this and fought a terrible attitude as the hives took over my senses again. As I type this, I see my obvious error. How could a few days take away years of destruction?
It can’t. But I think it is helping. I am grateful to be here. Grateful to have a husband so kind, so real, and so generous a girl wouldn’t even dare to dream he exists. Yet, I get to spend the rest of my life with such a man. Someone who is entirely imperfect yet embodies God’s graciousness in a level I didn’t know was even possible, and could never myself achieve. I am grateful to be so strong. I don’t have the endurance I used to have, and I can’t yet run like I one day hope to, but I’ve been able to hike, swim, snorkel, and even get through a couple of long adventurous days well. I have everything to be thankful for. And sometimes I still struggle.
The last month as I have been exhausted with hives, and discouraged with not knowing solutions to get my body to heal, my husband has stepped up and been adamant about doing everything in our power to heal my digestive system. And it is working! He has done research when I’ve been emotionally unable, purchased supplements, and helped keep me accountable in making healthy and healing decisions when I have wanted to throw EVERYTHING out the window. Yet today is the first day I have wondered if there will ever be a time that I will give up. Will I ever decide it’s not worth the work of reading, researching, and trying new things to get my body to heal? Am I completely crazy to believe that I can be perfectly healthy one day? What will it take? What will it take to get me there and what will it take to make me want to quit?
I wonder. But today, I am at neither location emotionally.
Now, as the sun dips below the sky until tomorrow, I am content to be here with an imperfect body and hives, while in Maui, enjoying my honeymoon with the most amazing and real husband God could gift to me.
2